Monday, October 20, 2014

Forever and a Day

It has been forever since I have been to this space. I miss pouring my thoughts out here.

So much has been going on in my house.

We are expecting another baby! I have had a tough time adjusting to this both physically and emotionally. It was unexpected and though not unwelcome, a little hard to digest at first.

But I remember being pregnant with Evangeline. I felt like my world was caving in around me. I was heart broken  and miserable. I am sure some of the issue was hormones, but some was just me.

I was fighting against God's plan for me. I was fighting against what people thought about us. I was fighting against finances, and energy, and capability. I was fighting against myself.

At one point I considered adoption for Evangeline. I seriously debated the option of giving her away. No one seemed happy for us (except our church family) I was bombarded daily with people that made rude comments when they saw me out with the children. It weighed on me.

... and then I held her...

Everything changed.

It was one of the hardest times for me in the last few years. I just couldn't see my way out of it.

Evangeline is such a joy to raise. She snuggles close with her face against mine, just to be close to me. She can often be found simply sitting beside me, snuggled close with her thumb in her mouth and her hand on my ear. Unless of course Nathaniel is close by, then she prefers his ears. ( he has ears like velvet, almost like they don't have any cartilage)

So this time. I have some major perspective. I know that no matter how freaked out I am right now. I will never regret having this baby. Because, once I hold him / her in my arms it will all be fine. What people say won't matter. It will be my arms filled with a soft, warm, squishy, and perfect baby.

I am not 16 anymore. I am a married woman doing exactly what God and my Faith ask me to do. He has this under control. I am just along for the ride.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Pretty Spaces

I am in a funk right now. I feel like my entire house is a mess and choking me. I am trying to get our house ready to have a Realtor come look at it. I need solitude. I need beauty. I need... something.

I feel stressed and sad. I feel emotional.
I don't feel like myself.

I have learned, however, that this feeling always shows up before a big change. That I need to slow down and breath my way through it. Sort of like being in labor.
I have been holding a moment this past week or so in my head.
one small itty bitty moment that made me feel happy, safe, and loved. I doubt my friend even knows the impact it had on me.

I keep thinking
"Smell the flower- Blow the bubbles"

it's getting me through it.

Monday, July 14, 2014

In This I am Grateful

We have vacationed and enjoyed the past few weeks. Summer is fleeting and fast. It makes me sad to think of how quickly the leaves will turn and the air will become crisp.

In this moment however
I am Grateful

for summer breezes

 and sun kissed smiles

for pools with children happily splashing and enjoying freedom.

I am Grateful for vacations

and in-laws

and cousins

I am grateful for playgrounds.


and Peace

I am grateful for love and understanding and friendship and support.I am grateful for my next breath and glass of great wine.

For Silly

For teenagers

For the love that is my entire life.

I am blessed and for that I am Grateful

Monday, June 16, 2014

What's Missing?

Today was Father's Day and we celebrated with a breakfast out.

 First we made cards while Daddy got a little extra sleep, but of course Miss Gracie wanted to be with Daddy. While I retrieved her Evangeline got into the yellow paint. It's was everywhere.

Then we went for a walk and had a lovely breakfast together. If you are at Margret's in Fairhaven try the Honey Custard French Toast. Super Yummy.

Then a cook out and cake and fun.

Then we went to church.

The entire time I felt like something was missing.

I am happy with my family and my life, though the stress right now often takes my breath away.

It occurred to me tonight as I sat there folding laundry.

I missed Vavoo.
I would give my arm to sit with him and hear his stories about the war. I miss him so much. He was the one person that always treated me like I could do no wrong. He loved me despite the angry , awful, depressed teen I was. He loved me. period. My brothers, my cousin, all of us. he loved us.
I miss him.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Swirling Sea

It's been a long time since I have had time to write. Things have been so busy here and I just haven't made time for this.

I have 4 birthday posts to complete, a week of having the Holy Ghost to write about, the decision to bring Sam home and home school next year needs to be explained, and now this.

Something ridiculous happened this past week.
Grace got out of the yard. Naked. In two minutes life changed fast. She is fine and unscathed, I however, cannot say the same.

Grace asked to watch TV. I reminded her that if the sun is up the TV is off. She was angry and I had to pee. I went into the bathroom. AJ was in the basement getting laundry, not folding it, just retrieving it. I walk out of the bathroom and hear Grace screeching, Nate yelling at Grace to get in the house, and some strange person's voice.  It seems that in the amount of time it took me to pee. Nate and Sam went out and left the door to the house open. Grace spotted the opportunity and ran out the door. Of course she first stripped naked!
She would likely have gone in the yard but she saw a cat, so she opened the gate and went one house down the street to pet it.

At which point someone woman came up and tried to pick her up . Nate turned hearing Grace screech and ran over to get her. Grace ran home and I came out. At which point this woman began yelling and swearing and flipping out. She called the police, the police called DCYF. After everything that happened to the little boy in DCYF care last year the system is on high alert. So just to be safe they are coming out on Monday.

I get it.
I can't be mad at the boys. It happens.
I can't be mad at Grace. She is only 3 and does not understand the yucky stuff in the world. She is an incredibly capable young lady and she doesn't always understand her limits.
I can't be mad at the woman. Though it shows 0 discernment on her part my guess is that she has some sort of trauma. So I told my boys we need to pray for her.
I can't be mad at the officer. He was clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place. He was fair and calm.
I can't be mad at DCYF they need to cover their... bases. I get it.
I can't be mad at myself because I had I am allowed to go pee.

Anger isn't really constructive anyway. So Instead I acted  I put a padlock on the fence and alarms on the doors. My poor neighbors must hate me! but it's working. the boys are remembering to shut the door more often and if they don't Grace can't get out!

I am beating myself up over this. The internal turmoil this has caused is really hard for me. I have been in constant panic mode since Monday night. I can barely sleep and when I do the anxiety dreams wake me up. So many past hurts have been brought to light with this. I think this may be the wrecking ball my friend Michelle talks about. Either you deal with it, or God makes you deal with it.

So I am praying through it all and giving it to Mary.

Saturday, May 3, 2014


Today I saw a post from Jess over at Diary of a Mom and she mentioned having heard this.
" This isn't what I signed up for!"

I remember saying those words once. I remember being so angry I couldn't breath and moments when I could breath, I just didn't want to. I remember thinking autism was the worst thing to happen to us ever.
I cried and I cried and I railed against God. I thought "How could he do this to me!"
Life was hard. I walked through my days in a haze. You know how the sky gets an inky black right before a storm? That was my world. Autism was like an itchy heavy lead covered sweater that I had to deal with everyday. It was like living in a battle zone in my head.
It made it almost impossible to love my son's light, I found it so hard to just like him.

what changed my thinking?


I was still able to hug him hold him (when he let me) I was still able to struggle through each day with him. He was still HERE. I felt so angry for so long. I was furious.
But then one day it dawned on me >
autism didn't change Sam, it's who he is at his deepest core. He is awesome. period.
What it did was change me, how I thought about the world. It was a massive paradigm shift.

I am at the point now where I can celebrate everything that makes him the person he is.  If I say I hate autism, aren't I then saying I hate part of him? That isn't ok with me. I hate watching him struggle and fight to accomplish things that I use to take for granted. I hate watching him struggle for the words. I hate being the target for his anger and sadness but, I am the only place he feels 100% safe.
I use to get so angry when he would line everything up across the floor. I would get frustrated when he would squeak or laugh randomly ( usually at the wrong time)
But now, it's just Sam. and I love Sam.

I have a hard time with people that don't understand autism. I want to educate them. I want them to understand that Sam is exactly who he is, regardless of why. I want them to understand I didn't cause him to be autistic. No amount of parenting, programs, diets, supplements, punishments, or therapies will change the fact that he has autism. (That doesn't mean I wont try things to help him succeed)

He is unique and awesome. He loves sticks and rocks. He is tall with fluffy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He has eyelashes most grown women would kill for. He never wears socks. He has a clear sense of right and wrong. He has a great sense of humor. He makes me smile. He has autism.

all of those things are part of what make him the person he is.  And he is awesome

Jess is right, that we did sign up for this. There was never any guarantee that everything would be roses and sunshine. Raising kids is hard work. no matter what. It's his job to be who he is and mine to show up. To get up each day and greet this life with the smile and understanding that it is a HUGE gift.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Our Awesome Week

We had a busy week this week. But taking a minute to link up with

Marbleized painting with shaving cream for Divine Mercy with red and blue.

On Tuesday we went on a field trip to Sky Zone! So much fun packed into an hour.

On Wednesday we discovered that squirrels LOVE donuts and we worked on antonyms and reading. Nate is getting the hang of sounding out words quickly.

Thursday it was rainy and gross out. Torrential downpours and a crabby family meant art project time! We all worked on these abstract art flowers. We also colored in an immaculate heart medal. Since May is Mary's month

Today we went to the Nest to spend some time outdoors with friends. It was warm and sunny and just awesome. Until Grace threw up all over the place. So we came home.  We cleaned out the garage with the help of a giant dumpster and a helpful teen!
Then pizza and a movie before bed!

Totally awesome week until the puke. I hope the puke stays contained. This weekend we have a basement to clean out and a fence to put up!

Who wants to help?